| Q: Weight gain on Anti depressants?? |
[05 May 2009|09:12am] |
hey ladies.
been a while i know.
still at it yuup.
Q: are any of you on LEXAPRO?
PLEASE TELL ME YOUR EXPERIENCES...
1. DID YOU GAIN?
2.Were you ever to loose on Lexapro/Anti Depressants?
etc etc
( my lame reasoning )
whats new
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[22 Sep 2008|10:55pm] |
Because you, I know are something,
But you are driving me away.
I am falling into nothing,
I drift inside myself, and fade away.
Like a sound you hear
That lingers in your ear
But you can't forget
From sundown to sunset
It's all in the air
You hear it everywhere
No matter what you do
It's gonna get a hold on your
skinny
im ready again
to feeeeel it
not just be it but feeeeeel it
not a number
a feeling
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[22 Feb 2008|08:13pm] |
This is the morning after the night before
I'm laying on my bed and I want more
And if you're asking me to stay with you
If you want me here I'll stay with you
Won't you have me have my way with you
Won't you ask me to lay with you
By the way I wish you would, just ask me...
By the way I wish you would, I wish you would
Come and play, I wish you could, I wish you could
By the way I wish you would, I wish you would
Be with me
It's you I want...
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| a life of a lier. e-a-t-i-ng diso-rder-ed |
[20 Mar 2007|08:12am] |
"Lie To Me"
I've been dishonest with myself
Causing more pain than leave
I've been feeling sorry just for me
Blinded by love, you see
I was too scared to tell the truth that you would turn around and walk away
I was as blinded by my heart, I didn't the chance to say stay
It was a lot easier to lie to me
I wasn't telling you the truth, can't you see
It was a lot easier to lie to me
Instead of hurting you, I'd just hurt me
I wasn't thinking who'd get hurt
I thought I could live with another distrust
I wondered how I could make you stay with me
protecting our love, you see
I was too scared to tell the truth that you would turn around and walk away
oh no
I was as blinded by my heart, i didn't the chance to say stay
eay eay
It was a lot easier to lie to me
I wasn't telling you the truth, can't you see
It was a lot easier to lie to me
I wasn't telling you the truth, can't you see
It was a lot easier to lie to me
I wasn't telling you the truth, can't you see
It was a lot easier to lie to me
I wasn't telling you the truth, can't you see
I wasn't telling you the truth, can't you see
It was a lot easier to lie to me
I wasn't telling you the truth, can't you see
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[17 Mar 2007|09:00pm] |
today i had the first sit down eat a meal kind of experience without purging in MONTHS. but all i had was a fruit bowl and like four tomato slices with ketchup to dip. nothing to cry over, still it was hard for me. ok sure i had like maybe three french fries too...i couldnt resist--i was being so damn good.
i went bike riding california style on beach cruisers all day around santa monica pier and then the malibu and venice area. it was really a blast. but having to eat mid ride and not be able to purge was strange and more than anything scary. i think i did a good job staying hardcore-sticking to safe foods i guess. cantalope, strawberries, melon, and grapes.
i've been feeling really really super fat and chunky recently. sucks. i need to loose some more weight. get more slim. less bulk. the hips HAVE to go. it's hard. i just feel nasty these days. my weight hasnt gone up i just am now unsatisfied.
i gotta drop 2-3 pounds. stat. what a pain that's going to be. je-s-us!
ok off i go, glass of white wine in hand, pain pill down the fluke. it's time to go strut it a little bit at the beverly wilshire hotel for some party. god i wish i had more self confidence. shine it on.
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| crossroads 1 and 2 |
[15 Mar 2007|08:32pm] |
i feel like i am at this real crossroad
1.
i think it could really be a good summer for me. the first good summer in so long
before the idea of tank tops, and bikinis, and no layers and layers of clothing, and sunshine, and longer days just stole every ounce from me...i longed for winter, and night time, and sweats, and coats, and lots of baggy layers....
but things are coming along with me and i am happy and i am living and i am having so much more fun and today as i sat in the sunlight and ate my breakfast/lunch/dinner (my ole apple and spy milk routine) i realized this could be a really fun summer ahead of me...and i am excited by the mere possibility.
with possibility comes chance though and with chances comes the very real possability of dissapointment. i have had enough of that in my life. i have watched so many things in my life amount to zero, not work out, fade away...people, dreams, wishes...i dont want things to go sour when they are finally looking like they could get good--really good. and the not knowing the possability, the chance, the what if is eating away at me tonight
2. Number two:
I really like having this guy that I am rolling with. I mean i really like it. i am having fun again, i feel like a real woman, sexy, and worth something, and it feels amazing. i have confidence finally. I like having a reason to stay skinny, a reason to go out, a reason to work to look good. I like having him take care of me, take me around, take me out. It's fantastic. I love being taken care of by him. i love it
But I havent seen him since sunday--i mean that's a freaking long-ass time. too long. and he misses me, he says it so much, but still i get scared. and tomorrow i have been planning my weekly mexcian/friday night fiesta for a week and he REALLy wants to get together and in this way i do too
but blow of bulimia?? how could i ever!!??
of course i thought i would have seen him plenty by now since sunday but somehow it hasnt happened and now i am faced with such a hard choice such a sick choice. a night with him or bulimia??? and this is the ultimate choice. i want both, i want him and i want my bulimia. but now i am realizing i dont know if i can have both.
i can't make this choice.
thing is he can up and leave at anytime. but bulimia is mine until i leave it. i like that. i guard that. i protect that. it's safe. he isn't. he's anything but. there's no commitment there, no stability, and who knows what length of a future.
ugh.
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[09 Feb 2007|08:38am] |
so this producer-man-guy apparently likes me. i didnt go out with him originally thinking it'd be something he'd look to continue. i thought oh he'll take me out once we'll talk about his work, i'll learn some stuff the end. i wasn't looking to date this guy. he's atleast 10 years older than me. at least. and idk just not for me...
sure his job, his money, his amazing connections, all huge. but is it worth selling myself out to be with some guy i am not into really at all? i mean makes me feel cheap.
he wants to do something this weekend, tonight, tomorrow, whenever.
and all i want to do tonight is have a nice little binger go to sleep and stay contained in my safe little life. i have it so figured out. and really it works well.
all this uncomfortable-ness, strange, awkward, new situations. i can't handle it yet. i like routine. i like repeating the same actions over and over. i like walling myself off and closing off contact. haha its the truth, how sad, but how true.
ugh. i dont want to deal with this. i so innocently entered into this on my free will but now it just is an aggrivation. if only i were into him. it would be brilliant. but i cant lie to myself anymore than i already have.
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| mmm..mmm...delicious. |
[08 Feb 2007|05:39pm] |
my boss paid for my binge today.
THANKS.
well at least the lunch part of my binge...
[[hey last night was insane. i need a reward. i was stressed and i was gooood.
i worked my ass off at the gym this morning anyway. 8:30 am. sweat dripping, kicking, punching, lifting, hurting.]]
so thanks boss:
1 breakfast taco, 1 pumpkin pancake with whipped cream and powdered sugar, 1/2 of a shrimp and pesto sandwich with cheddar cheese on thick french toast, and 2 toasted to perfection bagles with loads of butter on you!! i love that! needless to say, twas divine. plus i got some chocolate cake in on the sly.
i love a free meal! really i appreciate it more than she'll ever ever ever know.
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[08 Feb 2007|03:13am] |
i went to my first movie premiere tonight. god how lame does that fucking sound.
whatever, it was great. inspires me to keep pushing for what i know i want and can have...with hard work.
i had a buncha champagne and a mixed drink to boot. i celebrated with a bite of mac n cheese too and i said fffuuck it--i look great and feel great too!
i was so freaked out before i got in my car and drove to my "dates" house. oh i wanted to bail big time. i have severe anxiety when it comes to social shit like a movie premiere and red carpets and bright lights and meet and greets. everyone is so damn judgemental here. i didnt know what to wear to save me, or if i would look hot enough blah blah blah. it was freaking me the fuck out. i swallowed a fucking fat vicodin and just said to hell with it i'ma have a good time and relax.
so i worked it. and owned it as best i could, showed off my little frame and you know what i looked good. petite, put together, and plain good.
it went so well. high powered men were telling me i was beautiful. excuse me? it was so flatering. i didnt believe a word of it. not a word. all my "date" said all night was how hot i looked. and the whole time i am thinking yeah fucking right. he's lying. i hate being so dissillusioned. spoils the fun.
i wish i could feel good about me for just one second. or at least have a bright eyed optimisim and naive sense of the way hollywood works. but i was right to begin with, he just wanted my ass for the taking. lame.
instead of being able to focus on how fucking mega-watts told me i was beautiful, including my "date", i am just thinking about how he saw the giant bruise smack on my ass. haha.
anorexia. what bullshit huh?
well, anyway, apparently my body is rocking. felt good to feel as fine if not finer than the hollywood elite.
rediculous but good. what is this double life i have steped into?
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| I can. |
[06 Feb 2007|07:12am] |
ok enough is enough.
i need to hold myself accountable. baby steps would be better than none.
i can change my future.
i can choose to overcome this serious addiction.
i have a problem, and it is bulmia.
i have to overcome this desire, this need, this serious addiction to food and binging and throwing up.
TODAY I WILL BE STRONGER THAN BEFORE.
Today I want to be succesful.
I'm going to eat raw raw raw as often as I must and I am going to do this. No binging till Friday!
Fresh Strawberries, Splenda, Apples....check check check.
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| ...Until this breath is over... |
[13 Jan 2007|07:08pm] |
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music |
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Closer by Gabriel&Dresden on constant repeat |
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Well to summarize tonight:
It's Saturday night, and since I have absolutely nothing fun or cool going down tonight a binge seems like the best possible way to spend an evening. But I wont allow myself. Instead I willingly opt for a night filled by the all-consuming feeling of what it is to be empty inside.
Hunger is an interesting thing.
I am not being struck down with hunger pains, not at all. I worked all day, but food didn't make my mouth water like it always did. The thought of skinny pulled me through. It's a powerful and twisted desire. I found joy in the fact that nothing touched my lips besides organic tea, flavored water, splenda, and a strong and beautiful man's lips. Oh it felt good. Oh it felt so good to be so good. So strong. So above. How pathetic to find joy in eating nothing. Why does seeing him only make me want skinny more? Make me want to eat even less? To prove something to myself? "Look at me, I am working harder. I am looking better. Don't you want me now??" Is that what it is??
My body and brain must be numb. But I like this numbness. Tonight it is fitting. Desire...need...wanting more...that is my hunger.
Tonight I will ride the waves of starvation and the quest to be more of a waif. For whatever it is worth. More like a pixie more like a spirit of a person than an actual person.
A hot bath in my boss’s sunken Moroccan bath (I’m house sitting not sleeping with...haha) will be my nightcap not a vanilla shake and fast food burger like the the night before, and the night before that...
...I will let my mind wander to the idea of a man's touch loving my every curve, the slightest poke through of my rib here and there...a peep show...the feeling of loving my skinny legs in the mirror, and my ass toned and smooth, my ever so slightly boney chest.... I will let the anticipation of the next binge stay with me through the night. Because surely it will come again.
But this feels good. This control.
Steal my sight, I'm closing my eyes
Until this breath is over
Here in your sight, don't need to ask why
Let's take this one step closer
Let's take this one step closer
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| New Beginings. |
[12 Jan 2007|12:08am] |
Goals:
-Stop using binges to cover up my confusion and pain
-Put my energies into moving my life fwd. Not being eating disordered
-Firm up my body so I can begin to feel more confident in my outsides
-Start to believe in myself and live for my own needs
-Do other things to pass the pain away
a. Dance around the house
b. Work on Stalled!
c. Read a book
d. Go into a trance
e. Goto the gym
f. Sleep
g. Goto the movies
h. Write, write, write
i. Get a second job
-Stop turning to binging and purging for all answers
a. To take away boredom
b. To help me forget the shame
c. To relieve the stress
-Start saving my money
-Pursue, Pursue, Pursue.
-Get myself out there literally and figuratively.
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| Take Off. One Step Closer. |
[11 Jan 2007|09:04pm] |
Gabriel & Dresden - Closer
Thinking, about everything I got
What it means and what it's not
Feeling, not stoned and on ahead
Afraid to fall, I'm flying still
Waiting, I'm never gonna stop
For what things are and what they're not
Taking this place where I can find
What's left before I get what's mine
Steal my sight, I'm closing my eyes
Until this breath is over
Here in your sight, don't need to ask why
Let's take this one step closer
Let's take this one step closer
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| I am doing this. |
[10 Jan 2007|12:21am] |
Ok I am on a kick.
I am being hardcore starting NOW.
I did binge tonight. A binge to say goodbye.
I leave for New York in ten days.
And for the next ten days I am playing hardball.
No binges.
I need to save the money (motivation)
But the real motivation is I need to change my priorities.
Binging is not where my I want my life to lead me.
I am going to need support.
I am going to need strength.
I CAN DO THIS.
It is going to be difficult. But I want to do it. I want to change.
I want to prove to myself I am strong and I don't need "this" to survive.
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[09 Jan 2007|07:34pm] |
Can anybody out there hear me?
'Cause I can't seem to hear myself
I am stuck at such a crossroads. It's like I cannot even make a decision anymore. I do not even know what I want anymore. Not really. Do I want to stop binging? But, I like binging. I like it so much. It's fun, it feels wonderful, it keeps me entertained. It brightens my dreary, unsatisfying nights. Or, do I want to stop binging? Because, I like being skinny, I hate feeling like I have to hide out from the world if I don't feel good about myself.
So many mixed up emotions. I just don't even know anymore.
And of course, it's almost 8pm. Tomorrow's my only real day off for the week, and you know what I want to binge my brains out...and here come the decisions.
I have to quit this. And I know that. But I am an addict.
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| Detoxify Me. |
[08 Jan 2007|08:53pm] |
Cooking Rice a Roni in my apartment right now.
Not to eat.
Not to binge.
But, to chew spit.
Haven't eaten all day. That's ok. I need to take a few days. No binges, nothing but cleansing. Gotta drop a little of that extra Louisiana pudge. Man was it good. Good food, good living. But I am back and I am serious. I am making alot of changes this year. It will not ever be like it was. I can't keep up the cycle that was all-consuming.
Ohh yeah. Is it back to this already? No eating, lots of water, sleeping the day away, and chew spitting? Awesome. I need it. That’s ok. I want it back this way.
I am back in LA and you know what? “Feels just like it should”. I feel alive for the first time. And happy. It’s been so long, I think I had forgotten what it feels like to like your life, like yourself, and like the idea of tomorrow. I don’t want to let this slip away. Not again. Not ever.
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[20 Dec 2006|09:16pm] |
Evan finally called me tonight. I really like this kid. He's just so damn sexy.
So it's weird. If he is going to stay around in my life for at least a little while, well, I wanna be as hot as I can possibly be. Because, well, I want him to stay around as long as he is willing. I want him to find me desirable and to just think I am a sexy catch.
So if he is sticking: well fuck me, I need to loose 5lbs in a day and I deffinitly need to firm up my ass STAT. But if he isn't staying around well, fuck me, I am fine, I'd rather binge every night till I give myself a damn heart attack.
What to do what to do.
I can't exist in both worlds. But I already do.
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| Are you ready? |
[19 Dec 2006|12:38pm] |
Perfect Love
Never let yourselves fear anybody or anything. No fear of My failing you. No fear that your faith will fail you. No fear of poverty or loneliness. No fear of not knowing the way. No fear of others. No fear of their misunderstanding.
"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist steadfast in the faith." 1 Peter 5:8, 9
"Jump"
I haven’t got much time to waste, it’s time to make my way
I’m not afraid of what I’ll face, but I’m afraid to stay
I’m going down my own road and I can make it alone
I'll work and I'll fight, Till I find a place of my own
We learned our lesson from the start, my sisters and me
The only thing you can depend on is your family
And life’s gonna drop you down like the limbs of a tree
It sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see
Are you ready to jump?
Get ready to jump
Don’t ever look back, oh baby
Yes, I’m ready to jump
Just take my hands
Get ready to, are you ready?
There’s only so much you can learn in one place
The more that you wait, the more time that you waste
I can make it alone (my sister and me)
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[18 Dec 2006|09:58pm] |
So I swore to myself after last night, it would be a binge free week all the way till I get off the plane on Christmas Eve. But here I am, one day later, and I am dressed to leave me casa and go scarf some fast food, wash it down with a milk shake and call it an evening. I'll admit, my mind is totally made up, but still there is the undying guilt. The "I don't really need this". The "I can just goto sleep right now." The "What if I gain weight??" (The ultimate worst, the ultimate shame).
I woke up skinner than I had thought I would be. Never a bad thing, but also a complicated thing, because I feel there is less work to be done and therefore I can have my cake and eat it too. Thing is I am liking my body these days. Naked. I am deffinitly not skinny. Shit I am only borderline underweight. All around me I see skinny, I know skinny, and it aint me yet...but somehow I still like me. I would like me skinny better, but these days I dance in the mirror, check my platinumed out blonde hair, see my tan skin and think "Shit, that girl looks sexy"
Hm. So confusing, the whole thing really.
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[18 Dec 2006|04:26pm] |
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33
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